Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Dear Mom {a post for me}

It's been 6 years now.  It feels like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time.  Your last words to me were "You know I’m going to be OK", I said "I know, Mom, I love you".  I have accepted what happened, while I don't understand it.  What I would give to have you back!  

 A lot has happened.  I got pregnant a month after you left.  3 months later, I miscarried that baby.  My very first surgery and anesthesia ....but don't worry, Jason took care of me like he always does.  Then, while on vacation, we found out that I was pregnant again.  Yay!  The first appointment was nerve racking but at 6 weeks, we saw a heartbeat.  Then, a few weeks later, heard it again.  Right at 13 weeks, I thought I was losing the baby.  I was on a work call when I felt it; blood, a lot.  I started freaking out and called my OB.  She seemed concerned and told me to take it easy, if it happened again to go to the hospital.  It didn't happen again.  The following Monday, Jason and I went to the OB together and heard a heartbeat. It was fast.  She moved a little bit and heard another heartbeat.  She said "Oh, that first one was you, you must be nervous".  She sent us for an ultrasound just to see if there was any blood collecting or if we could explain the bleeding.  The ultrasound took forever, but the tech mentioned movement, so I was pretty calm.  When she was done, she said "did you know you were having two?"  My reply "two what?”  She couldn't find the membrane between them, so I was especially high risk.  One placenta + potentially one sac = identical babies at risk for TTTS.  We got referred to OSU immediately.  The high resolution U/S revealed the membrane AND that we were having BOYS!  Ron was so excited for us. 

 The pregnancy was easy, with no complications.  Against all odds, I carried the boys full term.  They are absolutely amazing.  I can't believe how much you can love and care for one (or two) as much as I do for them.  I still don't have any patience, but I'm getting there.  You would love them so much.  Then you would spoil them, and then we would fight about it :)

 I appreciate your parenting technique of always being my Mom first.  My best was always good enough for you and I treasure that.  You thought we were great just the way we were.  I want that for my boys.  Normal, happy, healthy boys.  They don't have to be the best, just do their best.  You were stern when you had to be, but gave me freedom to make my own choices.  I hope I can do the same.  

 You need to know that we are all good, like really. Greg and Nikki are good too.  The boys love their "Uncle G".  Keegan always wants to spend a week with him.  I don't know where he gets a week, but it's cute.  We are all content with our lives and happy, regardless of our circumstances.  The kids are awesome and contrary to my prior beliefs, your spoiling did NOT "ruin" them. I was sure they were destined to be brats, but that is not the case.  Donnie is a soft spoken, well mannered, handsome young man that is great with kids.  Bailey is just as pretty as ever, and I think she finally realizes it.  I don't mean she's conceited, just confident.  And she still loves her puppies.   Jason is as you would expect, same as always.  He loves his boys with all he has and it melts my heart to see them together.  This is our happy ever after, not perfect, just happy.  I'm OK with that.

 Mom, I miss you.  I think of you often and sometimes I cry.  But, I'm OK.  I hate cancer, but that's OK.  I have an awesome little family and friends that love me.   


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